Left But Not Alone

"What comes easy won't last. What lasts won't come easy" 

(Posted in Jayson's Facebook, 2/6/13)

Last Family Picture

It's been 4 days since Jayson passed away. Many tears have been shed, many questions have been asked and many emotions have been felt. It's early Saturday morning and I sit here in my bedroom, looking out the window as another day begins. The sky is gray, the air is cold and a slight breeze whispers through the palm trees in our yard. It looks like it rained last night and I expect we'll see more rain today. From where I sit, I can see our neighbor's yard with the palm tree that has the images of Christ and the Virgin Mary that I shared in our blog. It's a reminder to me that Jesus and Mama Mary were still watching over us.

During these past 4 days, we've been physically busy. Many family and friends have come by to express their condolences and offer their help. Many have shown their support by bringing us food, sharing a hug, listening to our concerns and participating in our 9 days Novena prayer every night for Jayson. Henry & I have been going through our "To Do" list to make sure we have everything ready for Jayson's services. We have already made the arrangements for Jayson's visitation and funeral services and the information was shared in the previous post.

He was never alone

As we try to go on with life, we see and experience God's blessings for our family. We experience it through the kindness and support of family, friends, hospital & hospice personnel and even strangers who've heard of and are touched by Jayson's story. We know that we are not alone in this journey and God has made sure of that.

We know that God has continually been with Jayson and our family. On Tuesday afternoon at about 2:15 the hospice nurse noticed that Jayson's vitals were declining and this was confirmed by other family members who are nurses. Keilani was scheduled to get out of school at 3:00 p.m. but our dear family friend, Deacon Noel, advised Henry & I not to leave and to find someone else to pick Keilani up. I immediately arranged for Keilani to be picked up by our friend, Luz and then called Kristen & Justin. They were both in school and I told them to come home as soon as possible.

Wondering what she's thinking

As my attention returned to Jayson, I couldn't help but stare at his face. My heart told me that it was getting close to that time. Jayson had been asleep since Sunday night.  He had opened his eyes only twice since that night and only after he was re-positioned in bed. Each time he did open his eyes, it was more of a reaction from being moved than anything else and when I looked at his eyes, Jayson wasn't there.

As I sat next to him this past Tuesday afternoon, I prayed and held his right hand. I remember whispering to him to hold on and try to wait for his brother and sisters if he could. As my aunt & uncles continued to monitor Jayson's pulse and body temperature, I continued holding his hand with Henry beside me.  I looked around at the faces of the family members who were there and tried to read the expressions on their faces to see if any of them could confirm what my heart was telling me.  But most of them just had expressions of sadness and concern. As we surrounded Jayson's bed and the minutes went by, I watched each shallow breathe he took.  To my surprise, he opened his eyes and I felt my heart skip a beat with excitement and anticipation. But this was short-lived. He took two final breaths and then he was gone... I just vividly remember leaning closer towards him and saying "Thank you Jayson for showing mommy your eyes for the last time".

A friend till the end

I thought I was prepared for what was expected, but I was wrong.  The overwhelming sense of loss and the heaviness in my heart just brought on a flood of tears that ran down my face. Henry wrapped his arms around me from behind, trying to comfort me while his own tears went down his face. "My baby is gone...My baby is gone." was replayed in my mind over and over. I remember thanking God for allowing Jayson to leave us so peacefully and so gracefully. This was a beautiful ending to his life here on earth.

Over the next few hours, family members and friends came by. Many who arrived the first hour were not aware of Jayson's passing and their reactions to the news ranged from anger to sadness. It was especially difficult for me to see the reactions of Justin, Kristen and Keilani as the reality of Jayson's death hit them. It was also very hard to see the sadness in the eyes of Jayson's friends who were able to come by before Jayson was taken away.  As I looked at each of them, I felt their pain and shared in their sorrow. It didn't matter how long they knew Jayson or how much time they spent with him, the sense of loss was the same. Life will never be the same for each of them because of Jayson's death, but I hope their lives will be better because of Jayson's life.